Acceptance

 

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To be ok with the process, to be ok with waiting, and to be ok with knowing that it’s not over yet.

To wait in the chaos, to be still even when everything is rushing by you, to feel as though you can almost grasp what you want in your hands but can’t quite hold on as it slips past your fingertips.

To realize you’re still not ready and to believe that you’re not running behind, you’re exactly where you need to be.

To be ok with yourself and accept yourself right where you are. To not need to explain yourself to everyone so they understand you.

To trust God through it all, even when your heart feels crushed and destroyed, to look at the small glimmer of hope that’s left and only believe that everything will work out for good. To love God with all your heart and to cling to his truth when all your life circumstances make his truth seem unreal.

To continue putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward through joy and tears and to accept this beautiful bittersweet life for what it is.

An opportunity to walk with the creator of the universe.

-KD

The Man

Hope has a new man in her life. This man is special to her. There’s so much to the story that it makes it a bit difficult to tell, but one thing is obvious. Hope is growing. This relationship is making her stronger and braver than before. I do feel like I’m bragging a bit although every word is true, so very true. I am Hope.

This man is pushing her towards God even though he doesn’t know he’s doing it. He is teaching her about relationships. God is teaching her about relationships. She’s learning to lean in when she feels like retreating, fighting when she already feels wounded and defeated, hoping when she knows it could just mean dull ache and disappointment. Hope is learning that it’s okay to not have all the answers right now. It’s okay to simply enjoy the moment while it’s happening. Maybe God really is safe to trust.

Hope doesn’t know what is going to happen with the man. Maybe she will marry him or perhaps the story will end. I do know she isn’t as afraid of the future anymore. The man and God have walked her out of a dark place. The man didn’t know he was doing it but God clearly did. Hope wants the man to fight for her heart but she knows regardless of whether he does, God has already walked through a field of land mines and rescued it.

May you find your hope also in the One who creates beautiful stories. Remember he isn’t done with yours.

~Your friend, Hope

The Ceiling Made of Glass

The steps go up and away from me. I wish I could follow them up but I don’t know how. I can see them clearly. They are right in front of me. If only I were strong enough to reach out and shatter the space between them and me. The only thing between us is the ceiling made of glass.

Glass is a wonderful, horrible thing. It lets you see everything beyond you and above you. But it doesn’t let you touch any of it. I wish I were strong enough to break the glass. To take the stairs. To touch the beauty. There must be a way to grab hold of what is right in front of me. If only I could live outside the glass.

I don’t have an ax to shatter this glass. Maybe its better that I don’t because then I can’t kill myself with falling glass. All I have is a thumbtack. I’m not very strong and I can’t grab onto the whole pane. But maybe it will be enough. Maybe one day at a time and one small thumbtack will be enough to destroy this glass box.

I call the thumbtack hope. It is the truth that He won’t let me go. It is enough.

~Hope

Lament

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At the altar of lament I found that sadness is a balm for a weary heart. It’s like warm water on achy joints.

There’s a comforting feeling when you actually come to the place of lament. I tried for months and couldn’t come because I still hadn’t given up my wishes and what I wanted to have as my reality.
But one night after months of emptiness and filling the voids in my life with meaningless things I sobbed my heart out because suddenly I saw reality and that my life is exactly what I’m experiencing and that a lot of the things I’m wanting are out of my grasp, Maybe not forever but for now. I saw that I’m completely at the mercy of the Almighty and that’s a reality I spent years running from. But as I cried I prayed to God and told him how I felt about life and him and all the expectations I felt from him.
I met God that night in a real way. He didn’t say anything but he soothed me with his love and I knew he was for me. For weeks after, tears were always right under the surface and I was simply sad. Not angry or resentful or bitter, just sad.
And then one day I discovered that God gave me joy and nothing else had even changed, my life was still the same.
But I learned a lot at the altar of lament.

Don’t become one with your sadness.
Sadness is real and necessary.
It refines you, and washes the wounds in the deepest parts of your heart.
When you embrace sadness you accept reality and that’s when healing can start.
Sadness is meant for seasons not lifetimes. Release it, watch it float away like a helium balloon. Watch it till it disappears on the horizon and welcome in hope. Changes are in the air.

You, dear brave heart are loved and cherished by the Heavenly Father. You have a bright future ahead.

God is good.

-KD

New

I’m leaving tough girl behind. I don’t need her anymore. Today is new.

Hope

Soul Sister

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Dear sister,
I looked at you and I saw myself. I saw your beauty and I saw my flaws, I saw your weakness and I saw my strength.  I smiled at you but I guarded my heart so you couldn’t hurt me and so you couldn’t see that I’m not perfect. I hugged you but held you at arms  length ready to turn and run because you could prove to be more skillful, more beautiful, more valuable than me.
I saw you as a rival not a sister.
But then you proved to be a friend, you saw my walls and you didn’t let them stop you, you kept pursuing me and showing me that though I’m flawed I’m also beautiful, you taught me how to dance to the rhythm of my own heartbeat and you showed me how to be my own kind of beautiful.
I saw you as a rival, you saw me as a friend. You believed in me when I was at the end of my rope, you told me that I am strong and capable and that my dreams are my compass for the life our Father planned long ago for me.
I am seeing in you what you saw in me all along. We are a team, and when we join hands and walk together with our Father God we are unstoppable.
It’s not about trophies and medals and being the most attractive or the strongest. We are sisters with separate identities and individual callings and giftings that blend beautifully when we are a team.
I love you sister, thank you for loving me even at my worst
-KD

I See You

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There are many things I see when I look at you.

Shame

Hurt

Rejection

Lies

Depression

Longing

Performance

There are also deeper things I see. Good things.

Beauty

Tenderness

Desires

Love

Dreams

Hope

A good heart

A passion for people

So many good things. Things that are hidden deep in your soul. Things hidden so deep you can’t even see them and you certainly can’t believe them. All the bad feelings, all the lies have smothered the truth. Shame has convinced you that you aren’t valuable. Rejection has told you that you are not worth loving. Depression sucks away the dreams. It has you convinced that you are nothing more than a failure. Just one big mistake.

You can’t see what I see when I look at you. You see bad. I see good. Maybe on the surface I can see the bad, but your heart is good. I want to see the good things about you. I want to find the true you. The one God created and called good. I wish you could see you for who you really are. You would be beautiful. You would be unstoppable. You would be free.

~ Your sister, Hope