The Story Bleeds Red

Dear Hope,

I am sorry that you only realized this now. You are amazingly smart and talented so it’s no fault of your own that you didn’t get it before. You’ve always loved how He told you that He was proud of you. It made you feel special and set apart, called out really. You wanted Him to forever be proud. You also knew that it would probably never be reality because you know yourself. You know how you mess up and fall apart and how the memories never seem to ease.

So you chose to love the good moments and hoped that they would come more often.  He was the only one that you were willing to perform for. I wish that you would have known sooner the truth about what He was really telling you.

Every time He spoke the words, “I’m proud of you” He would never finish the sentence. You always felt like there was more to the phrase so you added your own words. I know you didn’t do it intentionally. It was an automatic response. You honestly thought that He said the phrase, “I’m proud of what you did. I’m proud of what you accomplished. I’m proud of your strength, your sacrifice, and your dreams.”

Hope, you can rest now knowing that what He said was what He meant to say. I know it still feels a bit confusing to you. You will have a hard time fully understanding what that sentence means to you. It will be hard to comprehend for awhile. Because when He said that He is proud of you, you don’t know who ‘you’ is. You aren’t sure what He is talking about. It will take time Hope, to learn who you really are. When you know that, you will know what He says when He tells you, “I am proud of you.”

You can stop adding words to His words. You can stop feeling sad about disappointing Him with your performance. He is proud of you! That will never change. He gave you a new heart, one of his own in fact and He made it just the right fit. You are allowed to find out why He is proud of you.

Love

Hope

To see the invisible is to know that things aren’t always as they seem.

Believe is a strong word.

I believe that the sick are meant to be healed, the lost are meant to be found, the dead are meant to live, the curses of sin are meant to be broken, the past is meant to be redeemed.

But I have seen the sick not being healed, the lost have stayed lost, the dead never took another breath, the curses continue to fester, and the past continued hanging over a person’s head like a cloud.

Why? I was angry at God for a really long time.

I tried to bear the pain for others. I tried to force God’s perfect will into what I believed it should be.

Then one night I saw the invisible. Nothing I had ever seen was exactly as it had seemed.

God has already redeemed all things to himself. The sick are healed, the lost are found, the dead are called to live, the curses are powerless, the past is redeemed.

It’s a matter of perspective.

Colossians 3:3 You have died and your new life is now hidden with Christ in God

Colossians 3:1 You are now raised with Christ so set your hearts on things above. (the invisible)

Colossians 3:2 Set your minds on heavenly things, not on earthly things.

We are called to see things as Christ sees them. All the things of this earth are temporary. As believers in Christ we are citizens of heaven. The things of this earth may grab at our physical bodies. In the visible world we will never experience complete wholeness but in the heavenly realm where our new life is planted all things are under the perfect redemption.

Live your temporary life for your eternal life.

In the end it will be worth it.

-KD

 

It’s time to step out in faith.

It’s time to let go of what’s good but still isn’t right.

It’s time to live in grace.

It’s time to let go of the things in the past that keep coming back to haunt you.

It’s time to receive forgiveness.

It’s time to extend mercy to all those you believe don’t deserve it.

It’s time to be you.

It’s time to walk as a free person.

-KD

The waves of anger toss me back and forth.

The surging emotions keep me doing all the things I don’t want to do but keep doing.

Yeah, I was never allowed to be me.

I was never introduced to myself.

What’s the point?

I can do all the things but I can’t be all the things so why bother?

On the other hand, I can do all the things and I can be all the things so why not?

Cause God keeps telling me he knows me better then all of that.

Why?

Cause he created me so why wouldn’t he?

Thing is this religion we’ve boxed him into has believers walking around like elephants instead of lions.

I’m done with the tame people,

God never promised a picket fence but it sure would be nice.

Thing is I get this tug to grab me a tent and set up camp at the outskirts of hell.

Because the hearts of men are searching for answers, reasons for their existence.

I see the hunger in their eyes and the fear. I don’t understand why God created humanity.

But he bore their pain and took their death.

I just wish they knew it.

All you tame washed out believers begging for the end to come, WAKE UP!

We have work to do and a purpose to live for. We live in the temporary and that end will come.

If you look at what’s permanent you can see this world needs you.

Sometimes the temporary causes us to lose sight of what’s permanent.  Then it’s time to refocus.

-KD

He had a blue velvet coat with gold trim. She was beautiful and humble. They danced together all night while the rest of the world faded away from their view. The perfect ending came with a stunning wedding with every detail exactly in place. They were both perfect.

The other prince wore khakis and blue dress shirts. It didn’t really matter what he looked like because she was captured by his eyes every time. There wasn’t any white horses pulling a gold carriage, but she didn’t mind. He could have given Prince Charming lessons about how to treat a lady.

Hope knew which man she would choose. It wasn’t even a question to her. She could live without the carriage, but not without her man. Cinderella could have Prince Charming. She didn’t need fairy godmothers and glass slippers or a castle to live in. They weren’t her story to experience.

The only problem with the fairy tale was the wedding. Hope desperately wanted to be like Cinderella. She dreamed about looking perfect, but Hope didn’t live in a Cinderella world. It hurt to realize that her dreams weren’t going to become reality and she fully blamed herself for that.

Her story wasn’t Cinderella’s story. If only she could believe that truth and walk away from the painful dreams. She really isn’t sure how to do that. Cinderella dances in ballroom of every woman’s heart and she won’t be silenced. Maybe she should be allowed to have a voice. Maybe if we listened to her, we would hear the truth that we always wanted to hear.

If I don’t love me don’t judge me.

If I prove that I am evil don’t love me.

If I show you who I really am what would you tell me?

Huh?

I’d like to know.

You see me smile and think I love me.

You see me do life and think I am foolish.

You give me a slap in the face whenever you kiss me.

If you don’t love me don’t judge me.

I’m struggling to breathe and you hate me.

You tell people I’m evil, you watch me like a hawk waiting for my next move.

My death would be your gain.

I’ve concluded you are more pleased when I am evil then when I am good.

Why?

Because you don’t really love me.

If you don’t love me don’t judge me.

I’m not like you, so what?

I can’t be you, I can’t even be me sometimes.

What is this life if you can’t see me?

You don’t see me you just think you do.

-KD

 

You don’t see the broken dreams or my broken heart. My smile has grown cold, my heart has become hard, I’ve placed my hope in something other then you. You’ve had your chance and God only knows if he’ll give you another one because I’ve given you over to him.

I don’t need you in my life.

You can’t complete me.

You can’t fix me.

I’m done with not being good enough.

These prison walls are caving in around me but let them fall. If they kill me I’ll fly away.

But they won’t.

They can’t.

It’s a prison of my own mind, my own conscience.

I hate this place but refuse to leave,

I hate my life but refuse to die.

I won’t trade my life for any other and I won’t leave this life because it’s all I got.

If you could see what I’ve been through, if you knew the hell that I crawled through maybe then you’d understand why you’ve got what you got when you took me in to your heart.

Why I smiled but turned away, why I laughed and walked away. Why I turned you down when you came for me. I thought I loved you but it turns out I didn’t.

I cry at night when I think of us then I give you back to God where I got you from.

I think its settled and done and it hurts like hell but you aren’t mine and you never were.

You were like a trick that was played on me to show me exactly all that I’m not.

I’m angry because I’m all alone but I’m shutting the doors so no one can come in.

It’s safer that way.

Because people hurt.

These prison walls are my only friends, maybe this is what I was created for.

Maybe this is all I’ve got.

God’s given me the key, but I doubt it would fit and I won’t try it because it may just be another trick.

I’m sick of being here but it’s safer then hoping so here I stay. At least my heart is as broken as it could ever be this way.

This way is the only way I’ve got.

-KD

 

To be ok with the process, to be ok with waiting, and to be ok with knowing that it’s not over yet.

To wait in the chaos, to be still even when everything is rushing by you, to feel as though you can almost grasp what you want in your hands but can’t quite hold on as it slips past your fingertips.

To realize you’re still not ready and to believe that you’re not running behind, you’re exactly where you need to be.

To be ok with yourself and accept yourself right where you are. To not need to explain yourself to everyone so they understand you.

To trust God through it all, even when your heart feels crushed and destroyed, to look at the small glimmer of hope that’s left and only believe that everything will work out for good. To love God with all your heart and to cling to his truth when all your life circumstances make his truth seem unreal.

To continue putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward through joy and tears and to accept this beautiful bittersweet life for what it is.

An opportunity to walk with the creator of the universe.

-KD

Hope has a new man in her life. This man is special to her. There’s so much to the story that it makes it a bit difficult to tell, but one thing is obvious. Hope is growing. This relationship is making her stronger and braver than before. I do feel like I’m bragging a bit although every word is true, so very true. I am Hope.

This man is pushing her towards God even though he doesn’t know he’s doing it. He is teaching her about relationships. God is teaching her about relationships. She’s learning to lean in when she feels like retreating, fighting when she already feels wounded and defeated, hoping when she knows it could just mean dull ache and disappointment. Hope is learning that it’s okay to not have all the answers right now. It’s okay to simply enjoy the moment while it’s happening. Maybe God really is safe to trust.

Hope doesn’t know what is going to happen with the man. Maybe she will marry him or perhaps the story will end. I do know she isn’t as afraid of the future anymore. The man and God have walked her out of a dark place. The man didn’t know he was doing it but God clearly did. Hope wants the man to fight for her heart but she knows regardless of whether he does, God has already walked through a field of land mines and rescued it.

May you find your hope also in the One who creates beautiful stories. Remember he isn’t done with yours.

~Your friend, Hope

The steps go up and away from me. I wish I could follow them up but I don’t know how. I can see them clearly. They are right in front of me. If only I were strong enough to reach out and shatter the space between them and me. The only thing between us is the ceiling made of glass.

Glass is a wonderful, horrible thing. It lets you see everything beyond you and above you. But it doesn’t let you touch any of it. I wish I were strong enough to break the glass. To take the stairs. To touch the beauty. There must be a way to grab hold of what is right in front of me. If only I could live outside the glass.

I don’t have an ax to shatter this glass. Maybe its better that I don’t because then I can’t kill myself with falling glass. All I have is a thumbtack. I’m not very strong and I can’t grab onto the whole pane. But maybe it will be enough. Maybe one day at a time and one small thumbtack will be enough to destroy this glass box.

I call the thumbtack hope. It is the truth that He won’t let me go. It is enough.

~Hope