Why do I feel like apologizing to God when I can’t fix myself? Where did I ever get the idea that I can heal myself? I didn’t become a Christian and get this far by fixing myself. I didn’t save myself from my own sin.
The truth is that I can’t rescue myself.
Somehow I like to think that I can.
After all this time, do I still not trust that God will come through for me? Does it feel safer to believe I can save me?
I’m afraid that I am not worth freeing. I don’t know if I want God pursuing and rescuing me if I’m just a mess.
“It’s safer for you to stay out of my mess and just encourage me while I fight for freedom. I feel bad about making you get involved in my painful life.”
When I write that, I suddenly feel like the prodigal.
“Really God, I’ll try to make it easier for you. You can just make me a servant. I don’t expect full freedom; I’m too muddy for that. If you come the whole way over here, you’ll see it all. That will be even more shameful. It won’t be safe. Just come partway and I’ll do the rest.”
“That’s not what you want is it? You want to come all the way into my pain and wipe it away. You want to put your hands on my face until your tears wash my shame away. You want to wrap your strong arms around me so I won’t collapse from sobbing. You don’t want to leave me ever, do you?”
“Why didn’t they tell me you were this way? The way they talked, you sounded like a school teacher making sure I learned lessons correctly and gave the right answers.”
“You really are good. Just like a Good Father. Next to you my saving doesn’t even look freeing. You rescue with love I’ve never felt before. You are a wonderful rescuer. Somehow you’ve managed to make me feel worthy again. You believed I was worth pursuing when I didn’t. I don’t have the words to tell you how that makes me feel. Is this how freedom feels?”