The System (Part II)

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How can a brick and mortar structure create so much emotion in my soul?

I long to go to church and worship God, to meet other believers and to belong. But I don’t.

People misunderstand me.

I misunderstand me.

I don’t hate church, I hate the system. Why is it that when we attempt to put God in a box we end up confusing ourselves and hurting people? I think when we take God and bring him down on our level we end up with another god. Our human minds can’t fathom their own Creator’s goodness.

I’ve concluded I have 2 gods. I gave my heart to the god of the system years ago. Then just recently I attempted to give my heart to the Eternal God of the Church but the god of the system won’t let me go.

There is nothing wrong with the brick and mortar structure we call church.

We are the church and the problems lies in us.

In me…

I carry years and years of pain from lies I’ve believed and still believe. And a deep anger at all the wasted years and energy I poured into being good and fitting in and serving a god who could never be pleased. It was all a waste and it never got me anywhere.

When I go to church all the pain surfaces and I choke up. All the lies come back… You don’t belong, you never will. You don’t fit in. God hates you, he’s long ago given up on you, you’re just wasting your time. You’re all alone in this. The thoughts swirl and I feel alone in a crowd of well put together people.

I smile, I talk, I say amen, I ask questions and I agree to help out with things but I’m not there.

That’s why I quit going to church.

-KD

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