August 25, 2018
I am sitting on the edge of my bed tonight trying to make sense of my feelings.
I’m all alone.
Not really though, I mean I’m home alone but two really close friends just texted me and that happens a lot.
The thing is, I am an addict. I have been for a long time.
Since yesterday afternoon I have been feeling the urges to pick up my knife and cut myself again.
Does that surprise you?
In my nightstand drawer I have a knife and a box of matches. I often forget I have them but tonight I feel like I have to physically restrain myself so I don’t use them.
Why am I feeling this way? I’m not even sure….
I could go for some shots of liquor right now but I don’t have any. If you look into my laundry room closet you will find all my empty bottles of liquor and beer.
I could just stuff my face with food right? No, I do that often enough and right now I’m really not hungry.
I want to see my own skin sliced open and bleeding right now. I want to feel the pain so badly. The truth is, right now I have a headful of unsorted emotions,
I can’t cry, I can’t laugh, I don’t know what I’m feeling.
But I have this one nagging thought.
Not good enough.
I never was to anyone.