Diary of an Addict

August 25, 2018

Dear diary,

I am sitting on the edge of my bed tonight trying to make sense of my feelings.

I’m all alone.

Not really though, I mean I’m home alone but two really close friends just texted me and that happens a lot.

The thing is, I am an addict. I have been for a long time.

Since yesterday afternoon I have been feeling the urges to pick up my knife and cut myself again.

Does that surprise you?

In my nightstand drawer I have a knife and a box of matches. I often forget I have them but tonight I feel like I have to physically restrain myself so I don’t use them.

Why am I feeling this way? I’m not even sure….

I could go for some shots of liquor right now but I don’t have any. If you look into my laundry room closet you will find all my empty bottles of liquor and beer.

I could just stuff my face with food right? No, I do that often enough and right now I’m really not hungry.

I want to see my own skin sliced open and bleeding right now. I want to feel the pain so  badly. The truth is, right now I have a headful of unsorted emotions,

I can’t cry, I can’t laugh, I don’t know what I’m feeling.

But I have this one nagging thought.

Not good enough.

I never was to anyone.

 

-KD