I’ve been watching you since I was a little girl. I was always so fascinated by your strength and I knew you had the ability to protect me fiercely. But you have hurt me deeply. I’m not angry at you, actually I wish we could talk because I want to understand you better.
Why do you think crying is a bad thing? Why do you feel so awkward about love? You have feelings for a reason and even though some are really painful they still have a purpose.
I used to see you as the enemy, all I wanted to do was shred your dignity and show you that I know best and that I’m the better sex but now I am sorry for that. I put myself in danger by doing that. I’m sorry for all the times I didn’t trust you when you were trustworthy, or when I doubted you. You hate being doubted and that’s ok, you are allowed to make mistakes although you rarely do. I’m sorry for all the times I’ve played on your emotions then suddenly rejected you because I felt you weren’t safe.
I see in you a need to be awesome, you want to be strong and courageous and you are but I have fed the lies you believe about yourself, that you are not enough, that you’re not brave. You are very brave, I don’t care how many fears you have, they’ll simply make you braver.
I love to see you confident, it’s very attractive but when you become arrogant I will still love you but I won’t respect that. I am weaker than you and you do have the power to hurt me deeply and I think you should keep that in mind whenever you talk to me. I will keep in mind that I have strengths that you don’t have, I’ve manipulated you so many times and I admit it’s very low and very evil. It causes you to shut down and withdraw and that makes you very weak. Guard your heart against it and don’t allow me to ever try it again.
I wish I knew how to step inside the fake world you’ve built and pull you back out. You say you love to spend 8 hours immersed in virtual reality but I know you better than that and I wish I knew how to undo the pain I caused that put you there. You spend so much time in the other world building castles and conquering the enemy and you find that you’re actually good at it. I don’t blame you for enjoying it in there. But I need to tell you that you were made to build kingdoms and destroy the enemy. God himself equipped you for that and now the real world is suffering because you think you don’t have what it takes. You do have what it takes I just wish you would believe it. You have been so shut down but you still crave anything to get that adrenaline high. Your life is consumed with sports, video games, alcohol, Netflix and porn. I’ve been there too and I know how lonely you feel. It’s not filling the void very well at all because you were made for so much more.
I don’t expect you to be able to walk out of this in a day, it’s all so intertwined with your emotions that you can’t make sense of. Are you willing to get uncomfortable? Can you face those feelings and allow yourself to be loved again? I’m sorry I broke your trust and wounded your already broken heart. I’m asking you to please give me another chance, we were made to conquer together and we need each other in this world. We have a God who loves us both so much and we have a calling we both need to take. Can you step out of the world you’ve created and come find healing? It’s ok to be afraid and unsure, I am feeling that way too but I’m willing to take a chance. We have a whole new world out there who needs us.
– KD (your sister and friend)