To My Dad

There are so many things I need to tell you but I can’t. I can’t put you through it. I hope you never read this but I still want to say these things

Dad, you tore my heart out and ripped it to shreds. I don’t even know who I am anymore. You were supposed to love me and that’s all I wanted from you.

I tried so hard to please you but nothing I could ever do would please you. I lived in fear my entire life Dad, tormenting fear. My stomach was always tied in knots and every time I made a small mistake I tried to cover it up so you wouldn’t yell at me or punish me.

You weren’t a safe place at all. No one could reason with you. Do you want to know what it felt like to watch you look for objects that would hurt the most when you whipped me? The pain you put me through and the welts I had on my body told me that I was a failure. I tried to make the bruises go away as soon as I could because I felt so much shame from looking at them.

Dad, the physical pain was excruciating but the emotional pain was one hundred times worse. Today it’s over, you’ve changed, you’re softer now, you love God and you really are a good Dad.

Please don’t try to stop the ripple effect, this is my life Dad, this is what I have grew up into. I’m not saying it’s your fault, I’m responsible. But you keep saying you’re sorry, trying to tell me all the lies you taught me are not true.

Dad, this is my life and it’s messy now but it will be beautiful. The waters of my soul will mirror the mountain soon.

God is my Dad now and He’s amazing. You wanna know what He taught me? He taught me how to love you and forgive you.

Dad, I really do love you and I wouldn’t trade you for any other Dad in the world. Please just love me and watch the ripples fade away. If you can’t stand seeing them now, look to the mountain.

Love, KD