I am sorry that you only realized this now. You are amazingly smart and talented so it’s no fault of your own that you didn’t get it before. You’ve always loved how He told you that He was proud of you. It made you feel special and set apart, called out really. You wanted Him to forever be proud. You also knew that it would probably never be reality because you know yourself. You know how you mess up and fall apart and how the memories never seem to ease.
So you chose to love the good moments and hoped that they would come more often. He was the only one that you were willing to perform for. I wish that you would have known sooner the truth about what He was really telling you.
Every time He spoke the words, “I’m proud of you” He would never finish the sentence. You always felt like there was more to the phrase so you added your own words. I know you didn’t do it intentionally. It was an automatic response. You honestly thought that He said the phrase, “I’m proud of what you did. I’m proud of what you accomplished. I’m proud of your strength, your sacrifice, and your dreams.”
Hope, you can rest now knowing that what He said was what He meant to say. I know it still feels a bit confusing to you. You will have a hard time fully understanding what that sentence means to you. It will be hard to comprehend for awhile. Because when He said that He is proud of you, you don’t know who ‘you’ is. You aren’t sure what He is talking about. It will take time Hope, to learn who you really are. When you know that, you will know what He says when He tells you, “I am proud of you.”
You can stop adding words to His words. You can stop feeling sad about disappointing Him with your performance. He is proud of you! That will never change. He gave you a new heart, one of his own in fact and He made it just the right fit. You are allowed to find out why He is proud of you.