The Story Bleeds Red

You don’t see the broken dreams or my broken heart. My smile has grown cold, my heart has become hard, I’ve placed my hope in something other then you. You’ve had your chance and God only knows if he’ll give you another one because I’ve given you over to him.

I don’t need you in my life.

You can’t complete me.

You can’t fix me.

I’m done with not being good enough.

These prison walls are caving in around me but let them fall. If they kill me I’ll fly away.

But they won’t.

They can’t.

It’s a prison of my own mind, my own conscience.

I hate this place but refuse to leave,

I hate my life but refuse to die.

I won’t trade my life for any other and I won’t leave this life because it’s all I got.

If you could see what I’ve been through, if you knew the hell that I crawled through maybe then you’d understand why you’ve got what you got when you took me in to your heart.

Why I smiled but turned away, why I laughed and walked away. Why I turned you down when you came for me. I thought I loved you but it turns out I didn’t.

I cry at night when I think of us then I give you back to God where I got you from.

I think its settled and done and it hurts like hell but you aren’t mine and you never were.

You were like a trick that was played on me to show me exactly all that I’m not.

I’m angry because I’m all alone but I’m shutting the doors so no one can come in.

It’s safer that way.

Because people hurt.

These prison walls are my only friends, maybe this is what I was created for.

Maybe this is all I’ve got.

God’s given me the key, but I doubt it would fit and I won’t try it because it may just be another trick.

I’m sick of being here but it’s safer then hoping so here I stay. At least my heart is as broken as it could ever be this way.

This way is the only way I’ve got.

-KD

To be ok with the process, to be ok with waiting, and to be ok with knowing that it’s not over yet.

To wait in the chaos, to be still even when everything is rushing by you, to feel as though you can almost grasp what you want in your hands but can’t quite hold on as it slips past your fingertips.

To realize you’re still not ready and to believe that you’re not running behind, you’re exactly where you need to be.

To be ok with yourself and accept yourself right where you are. To not need to explain yourself to everyone so they understand you.

To trust God through it all, even when your heart feels crushed and destroyed, to look at the small glimmer of hope that’s left and only believe that everything will work out for good. To love God with all your heart and to cling to his truth when all your life circumstances make his truth seem unreal.

To continue putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward through joy and tears and to accept this beautiful bittersweet life for what it is.

An opportunity to walk with the creator of the universe.

-KD

Hope has a new man in her life. This man is special to her. There’s so much to the story that it makes it a bit difficult to tell, but one thing is obvious. Hope is growing. This relationship is making her stronger and braver than before. I do feel like I’m bragging a bit although every word is true, so very true. I am Hope.

This man is pushing her towards God even though he doesn’t know he’s doing it. He is teaching her about relationships. God is teaching her about relationships. She’s learning to lean in when she feels like retreating, fighting when she already feels wounded and defeated, hoping when she knows it could just mean dull ache and disappointment. Hope is learning that it’s okay to not have all the answers right now. It’s okay to simply enjoy the moment while it’s happening. Maybe God really is safe to trust.

Hope doesn’t know what is going to happen with the man. Maybe she will marry him or perhaps the story will end. I do know she isn’t as afraid of the future anymore. The man and God have walked her out of a dark place. The man didn’t know he was doing it but God clearly did. Hope wants the man to fight for her heart but she knows regardless of whether he does, God has already walked through a field of land mines and rescued it.

May you find your hope also in the One who creates beautiful stories. Remember he isn’t done with yours.

~Your friend, Hope

The steps go up and away from me. I wish I could follow them up but I don’t know how. I can see them clearly. They are right in front of me. If only I were strong enough to reach out and shatter the space between them and me. The only thing between us is the ceiling made of glass.

Glass is a wonderful, horrible thing. It lets you see everything beyond you and above you. But it doesn’t let you touch any of it. I wish I were strong enough to break the glass. To take the stairs. To touch the beauty. There must be a way to grab hold of what is right in front of me. If only I could live outside the glass.

I don’t have an ax to shatter this glass. Maybe its better that I don’t because then I can’t kill myself with falling glass. All I have is a thumbtack. I’m not very strong and I can’t grab onto the whole pane. But maybe it will be enough. Maybe one day at a time and one small thumbtack will be enough to destroy this glass box.

I call the thumbtack hope. It is the truth that He won’t let me go. It is enough.

~Hope

At the altar of lament I found that sadness is a balm for a weary heart. It’s like warm water on achy joints.

There’s a comforting feeling when you actually come to the place of lament. I tried for months and couldn’t come because I still hadn’t given up my wishes and what I wanted to have as my reality.
But one night after months of emptiness and filling the voids in my life with meaningless things I sobbed my heart out because suddenly I saw reality and that my life is exactly what I’m experiencing and that a lot of the things I’m wanting are out of my grasp, Maybe not forever but for now. I saw that I’m completely at the mercy of the Almighty and that’s a reality I spent years running from. But as I cried I prayed to God and told him how I felt about life and him and all the expectations I felt from him.
I met God that night in a real way. He didn’t say anything but he soothed me with his love and I knew he was for me. For weeks after, tears were always right under the surface and I was simply sad. Not angry or resentful or bitter, just sad.
And then one day I discovered that God gave me joy and nothing else had even changed, my life was still the same.
But I learned a lot at the altar of lament.

Don’t become one with your sadness.
Sadness is real and necessary.
It refines you, and washes the wounds in the deepest parts of your heart.
When you embrace sadness you accept reality and that’s when healing can start.
Sadness is meant for seasons not lifetimes. Release it, watch it float away like a helium balloon. Watch it till it disappears on the horizon and welcome in hope. Changes are in the air.

You, dear brave heart are loved and cherished by the Heavenly Father. You have a bright future ahead.

God is good.

-KD

I’m leaving tough girl behind. I don’t need her anymore. Today is new.

Hope

There are many things I see when I look at you.

Shame

Hurt

Rejection

Lies

Depression

Longing

Performance

There are also deeper things I see. Good things.

Beauty

Tenderness

Desires

Love

Dreams

Hope

A good heart

A passion for people

So many good things. Things that are hidden deep in your soul. Things hidden so deep you can’t even see them and you certainly can’t believe them. All the bad feelings, all the lies have smothered the truth. Shame has convinced you that you aren’t valuable. Rejection has told you that you are not worth loving. Depression sucks away the dreams. It has you convinced that you are nothing more than a failure. Just one big mistake.

You can’t see what I see when I look at you. You see bad. I see good. Maybe on the surface I can see the bad, but your heart is good. I want to see the good things about you. I want to find the true you. The one God created and called good. I wish you could see you for who you really are. You would be beautiful. You would be unstoppable. You would be free.

~ Your sister, Hope

We sit in your church pews every Sunday convinced that we are a misfit. We believe we’ve been rejected by God and are living on death row. We don’t want to hear the latest news on abortion and divorce rates or your favorite rant on same sex marriage. We all know the Bible is clear, it’s sin and God hates it.

He will punish it.

We know…

We’ve sat in your office and told you our worst fears, that God has signed us off as unpardoned and we’ve tried to accept your reassurances but as hard as we both tried, we’re still here.

Some of us have turned away and left because the pain was unbearable then got written off as a rebel or an airhead.

No one is just a rebel. There’s an aching and lonely heart inside that person and you can glimpse it when you look in their eyes.

We are lonely and afraid and some of us have gone silent, pretending we now believe but we don’t.

Not everything is as it seems, speak to your people. We’re not the heathens of the land, we’re the children of God. We need to be fathered and cared for. We need training and discipleship not another history lesson or the latest doom and gloom.

There is no quick fix as much as we both wish there was but there is time, love, and relationship. That’s what we all need.

I’m lonely and afraid, not that rebelious girl who wears tight clothes and likes to flirt, or the quiet man who has a porn addiction, or the depressed mother whose children are loud and unkempt, or that perfect church girl who does everything right.

We’re all crying for help. Please hear us.

-KD

Water flow

Down over my heart

Wash the pain away.

Leave the wounds –

Clean

So they can heal.

Wash away,

The shame,

The guilt,

The loneliness.

I want to leave

It all and

Walk away

Brand new.

Whole because of

Your love.

I want

To start again.