There are many things I see when I look at you.
There are also deeper things I see. Good things.
A good heart
A passion for people
So many good things. Things that are hidden deep in your soul. Things hidden so deep you can’t even see them and you certainly can’t believe them. All the bad feelings, all the lies have smothered the truth. Shame has convinced you that you aren’t valuable. Rejection has told you that you are not worth loving. Depression sucks away the dreams. It has you convinced that you are nothing more than a failure. Just one big mistake.
You can’t see what I see when I look at you. You see bad. I see good. Maybe on the surface I can see the bad, but your heart is good. I want to see the good things about you. I want to find the true you. The one God created and called good. I wish you could see you for who you really are. You would be beautiful. You would be unstoppable. You would be free.
~ Your sister, Hope
We sit in your church pews every Sunday convinced that we are a misfit. We believe we’ve been rejected by God and are living on death row. We don’t want to hear the latest news on abortion and divorce rates or your favorite rant on same sex marriage. We all know the Bible is clear, it’s sin and God hates it.
He will punish it.
We’ve sat in your office and told you our worst fears, that God has signed us off as unpardoned and we’ve tried to accept your reassurances but as hard as we both tried, we’re still here.
Some of us have turned away and left because the pain was unbearable then got written off as a rebel or an airhead.
No one is just a rebel. There’s an aching and lonely heart inside that person and you can glimpse it when you look in their eyes.
We are lonely and afraid and some of us have gone silent, pretending we now believe but we don’t.
Not everything is as it seems, speak to your people. We’re not the heathens of the land, we’re the children of God. We need to be fathered and cared for. We need training and discipleship not another history lesson or the latest doom and gloom.
There is no quick fix as much as we both wish there was but there is time, love, and relationship. That’s what we all need.
I’m lonely and afraid, not that rebelious girl who wears tight clothes and likes to flirt, or the quiet man who has a porn addiction, or the depressed mother whose children are loud and unkempt, or that perfect church girl who does everything right.
We’re all crying for help. Please hear us.
Down over my heart
Wash the pain away.
Leave the wounds –
So they can heal.
I want to leave
It all and
Whole because of
To start again.
I may or may not have a slight addiction to old western movies. The drama, the suspense, the solid ending get me just about every time. And when there is a band of men fighting together to save the story – my heart leaps and wants to be a one of them. That’s the part that really gets me. I wonder what it would feel like to know that no matter how despondent or how captive I am, that someone will fight through for me. One of my own will come for me.
The Christian church is messed up. I don’t have to be smart to figure that out. I love the church dearly so please don’t think I’m a hater. There are too many people walking away from the church. Do you know why? Its because the church doesn’t have answers. They don’t know how to help people and they don’t know to help people heal.
I wish church were more like old westerns. How would it change your life if you knew no matter what happened, that someone, maybe even several people had your back? That even if you were tied up in the desert held by evil forces because of a mistake you made, that your ‘brothers’ would come for you. There would be no battle too hard or too dangerous that would keep them from securing your freedom. You would always know that they were convinced you were true and you knew the same about them.
That sounds more like church to me than what’s going on right now.
Somewhere in the middle, between good and evil.
I have no place to call home.
I pray from the bottom of my heart, I love to do good but evil comes natural.
I put my chin up and step out to greet the day, a brand new day, a clean slate but ten minutes in I’ve already cussed a stranger.
I spit out venom
I spit out praise
I live a miserable wretched life but I love the Lord, I love the church.
They tell me I’m a wild girl, I smile and lift my chin.
Inside I weep and no one sees.
This is me: this is the life of your average church girl.