The System (Part II)

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How can a brick and mortar structure create so much emotion in my soul?

I long to go to church and worship God, to meet other believers and to belong. But I don’t.

People misunderstand me.

I misunderstand me.

I don’t hate church, I hate the system. Why is it that when we attempt to put God in a box we end up confusing ourselves and hurting people? I think when we take God and bring him down on our level we end up with another god. Our human minds can’t fathom their own Creator’s goodness.

I’ve concluded I have 2 gods. I gave my heart to the god of the system years ago. Then just recently I attempted to give my heart to the Eternal God of the Church but the god of the system won’t let me go.

There is nothing wrong with the brick and mortar structure we call church.

We are the church and the problems lies in us.

In me…

I carry years and years of pain from lies I’ve believed and still believe. And a deep anger at all the wasted years and energy I poured into being good and fitting in and serving a god who could never be pleased. It was all a waste and it never got me anywhere.

When I go to church all the pain surfaces and I choke up. All the lies come back… You don’t belong, you never will. You don’t fit in. God hates you, he’s long ago given up on you, you’re just wasting your time. You’re all alone in this. The thoughts swirl and I feel alone in a crowd of well put together people.

I smile, I talk, I say amen, I ask questions and I agree to help out with things but I’m not there.

That’s why I quit going to church.


Potatoes and Lives



I have a potato. For the sake of extreme creativity I will call it Potato A. If I take this potato and cut a big slice off of the side, I now have only a part of a potato. It’s very easy to see what happened.

But if I take another potato out, (let’s call him Potato B) and go outside. Then I find a rock. I take Potato B and rub it against the rock. At first you can’t see much, maybe just a little scraped skin. I don’t do this just once though, I do it again and again. Soon this potato is as damaged as Potato A.

The problem is that Potato B will have a harder time figuring out what happened.

Who are you?

Because this isn’t just about potatoes, it’s about people.

It’s about you. Are you broken? Wounded? Hurting?

Who are you?

Were you damaged like Potato A? Did your wound come in big blows? Maybe you were abused? Were you abandoned? You can look at your life and say, “This is where the knife came down.”

You are hurting. You have a reason to hurt. You were wounded.

But what if you weren’t hurt like that?

What if you can’t remember big traumas in your life?

Then you can relate to Potato B.

Maybe it was a lot of little things.

A friend’s rejection

An angry parent

Cutting remarks



Each time things like that happen, it scrapes away at us until we are badly damaged. The problem is that it’s harder to believe you were hurt. Somehow we think life should be okay.

Whether you are Potato A or Potato B, you are hurting.

I don’t know what happened.

But I do know this. You did not deserve that. You were not hurt because it was your fault. There was someone that already took that hurt for you. You don’t deserve the hurt. You are worth freedom. You are worth being loved. I want healing for you. Even more, He wants healing for you.

Will you let God heal you?

He is good.

He can put the pieces back together.

~ Your sister, Hope